


Regression

by nofluxgiven, RedTeamShark, Sagittae, TwinVax



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Critical Role Round Robin, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Round Robin, Team as Family, feeblemind fic, magical mishaps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:22:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15748836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofluxgiven/pseuds/nofluxgiven, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedTeamShark/pseuds/RedTeamShark, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sagittae/pseuds/Sagittae, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwinVax/pseuds/TwinVax
Summary: When a spell takes Nott's mind, the Mighty Nein struggle to find a way to get her back before they lose her--and possibly each other--forever.Updates Mondays!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of the Critical Role Round Robin, hosted by [bboiseux](https://bboiseux.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. You can find my teammates (and their fics that I contributed to) on the co-authors list.
> 
> In summary, a Round Robin is a project where multiple authors work on a fic on a rotating schedule. I started this fic, and then my co-authors took over and added to it, until it passed back to me as something entirely new and different that I then finished. This story is the finished product of that collaborative effort, which ran from July 8 to August 18, 2018. Check out [#critical robin](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/critical-robin) tag on tumblr for more of them, or see the masterlist here! (link will be added sometime around 8/26)

The fight hadn’t gone well, the magic users had been more powerful, directing their spells at the group in a way to be most destructive. Nott had been hit the hardest, going down hard after a few carefully placed spells when she didn’t do anything to hide her whereabouts.

That was the weird thing though, to Jester at least. Nott had seemed to stop fighting completely after she’d been enveloped in a sickly green spell’s ray of light, a few seconds after she’d shown where she was hiding to use her crossbow. Jester had watched the spell hit her, but other than looking confused and a little scared, it didn’t seem like it had much of a negative effect on her.

Nott had dropped the crossbow when Yasha had screamed, her wings snapped out of her back, and ran towards Caleb, her own shriek much more fearful than scary. It got the attention of the magic users, and considering the mage’s nasty smile, their full attention as they took the opportunity to blast her with their spells again. Those spells, ones she recognized as harmful spells, had been damaging enough for her to fall and stay down, passed out in the grass a few feet from Caleb.

Jester wasn’t sure who got the killing blow on them after that, too focused on reaching Nott while she casted Healing Word, her arms wrapped around her little goblin friend as she held her unconscious but stable form to her chest as gently as she could to not hurt any of the remaining injuries that still existed along her skin further.

She watched the wounds close and her breathing stabilise as she walked to where the others were picking themselves up and lotting the corpses. All except Caleb, who watched as she approached and held his hands out wordlessly. “She’s a bit sleepy, but she’ll wake up soon.” she said cheerfully, handing her over to him, “Until then, you can hold her while we walk! She’s fine though, nothing to worry about, because I am the _best_ cleric.”

Caleb smiled honestly, amused by her words, “ _Danke_ , Jester.” he said, nodding to her in thanks with hands full of goblin, and quickly turned to join up with the others where they’d gone to swap whatever loot they had found with each other. Jester followed happily, and quickly walked past him to pull Beau into a tight hug and whisper something Caleb didn’t catch as Yasha silently stepped over to hand him a scroll before she quietly went back to standing over one of the bodies, watching their surroundings with her arms crossed awkwardly.

Caleb felt Nott move in his arms as he placed the scroll in his coat, catching her eyes blink themselves awake when he looked down, “Hello, Nott.” he greeted, happy to see her alright after what happened.

Nott blinked, her ears standing straight at the sound of his voice, but didn’t reply back. Oddly, she just nuzzled closer, face pressed into his neck as she sighed.

Worried, Caleb gently put a hand on her back and shook her slightly, “Nott, are you alright _meine freund_ , or is this just you being tired?”

“Everything all right here?” Fjord asked as he walked over, near silent in his steps as he stopped beside Caleb. If he were a worse man, Caleb was sure he would have snuck up to him while he was unawares to scare him, but he was just Fjord. A good man. Still, Fjords appearance seemed to have been sudden to Nott, and his sudden voice in her ear startled a scream out of her.

The sound was ear splitting, an instinctual goblin screech of fear with no possible Common translation. Not that it needed one, the distress broadcasted clearly the moment she saw how close Fjord suddenly was to her. She threw an arm out at him wildly, managing to swipe her claws through the flesh of his arm deep enough to draw blood, before she made herself as small as possible, curled up to hide ineffectually in Caleb’s arms.

Fjord yelped and jumped back, holding his arm to try and staunch the bleeding as Jester ran over, quickly casting a spell that halted the blood, “The fuck ya do that for?”

Nott frowned, looking confused at Fjord, and hissed quietly from the safety she felt came from the arms holding her. She didn’t answer though, or look like she really understood what was happening.

“I think you broke her more than you healed her somehow, Jester.” Beau muttered loudly, staring intently at Nott a few feet from Caleb with Molly. The tiefling gently elbowed her, and she glared, “It’s true! Look at her, she got hit with something shitty and she's still affected or whatever!”

Jester frowned, looking dejected, “It should have gone away if it was a normal spell that hurt her! I healed her right up after with my most powerful spell energy pool. She shouldn’t be like this.” she groused. Fjord placed a hand on her shoulder, a brief shake of his head saying it wasn’t a good time.

Caleb’s mouth pressed into a thin line, looking between the others and the goblin in his arms, “I would suggest, since we do not know what exactly the spell was that hit her, that we find a place to rest for the moment. I will check my books, see if there's an explanation of what this spell could be. Maybe how long it lasts, and if it has no direction stated, what could be used to reverse it.”

Beau shrugged, looking around the clearing, “This looks as good a place as any to rest. Just let me and Molly drag those fucks somewhere and we can camp.”

“Sounds like a good plan for right now.” Fjord agreed, glancing wearily at Nott when she hissed, “The sooner we know how to get her back to normal the better.” he said, rubbing his arm where the scratches had been healed. Beau nodded and headed towards the bodies with Molly.

Caleb sighed, taking a seat in the grass, putting Nott down beside him while he pulled out his book and looked through it. While he searched, the others moved around setting up their camp for the night, Nott pressed close against his side as she watched their movements intently.

He snapped the book shut once he got what he needed, brushing a hand through Nott’s hair when she squeaked at the sound, letting her climb onto his lap as he got the others attention, “I know this spell, it isn’t one I can do yet. It is known as Feeblemind, leaving it’s victims with shattered intellect and personality. The spell makes the person unable to cast spells, use any items it might have for defense, understand any language they might have previously known, and in that particular vein, communicate in any way. It uh, basically leaves them to react by their basic instincts.” He looked down at her, ruffling her hair with a small smile, “It does not stop them from recognizing the people they consider friends and safe to be near.”

Beau frowned, sharing a glance with Fjord, “So like, her going after Fjord when he got too close to you? Guess he fucked up somewhere.”

“Hey now.” Fjord said warningly, “I might of just startled her.”

Jester walked closer, kneeling down in front of the two, concern etched into her face as she stared at Nott. Nott stared back, only slight recognition in her otherwise vacant and worried eyes, “Is there a spell to fix it, Caleb? How long is this going to last?”

“It lasts for thirty days, and requires a Greater Restoration spell to dispel before that.” Caleb said, slightly dejected.

Jester’s expression fell, “I don’t have that powerful a spell yet! I’m so sorry Nott!” she exclaimed, moving closer to hug her as carefully as she could. Nott whined, seemingly confused by both her words and the touch, but didn’t claw or bite her once she was let go.

She did, however, growl a warning when Mollymauk stepped closer. He stepped a bit back until she seemed satisfied and went silent, then spoke, “Well, it’s good we know now, at least. All we need to do is deal with it for a month or so and then it will be fine. Not to difficult, I would think.” he turned back and went to his tent.

The others weren’t so sure, but there wasn’t much choice in what they could do.

 

* * *

 

Nott slept curled up with Caleb that night. When Yasha came to wake him for their shared watch, Nott hissed and bared her teeth before Yasha could touch him. It took some convincing for Nott to allow Caleb to stand, and move to the edge of the clearing, and sit beside Yasha.

Nott followed them, and sat in front of Caleb, leaning against his folded legs. She kept a wary eye on Yasha, her yellow eyes shining in the dark in a way even human Caleb could see. Nott only looked away when Yasha pulled two squirrels from her pack, spitted and roasted.

“What’s that?” Caleb asked.

“I caught them yesterday. Saved one to share. Thought she would like it.” Yasha said

Nott’s eyes followed the meat, and Yasha’s eyes followed Nott. In the dark, Caleb’s eyes followed very little, but he felt Nott’s attention shift towards the charred meat.

He could see the pale outline of Yasha’s hand as she held a squirrel out to Nott, holding it by the back foot. Nott leaned towards it, then away, then quickly snatched it from Yasha’s grasp. Yasha let go of it as Nott reached for it, as if she was worried Nott’s claws or teeth might catch her.

Caleb watched the display with fascination. Nott was voracious, and her teeth ripped at the neck and shoulder, baring the creature’s spine and scapula. Then she paused. She looked at Caleb, and spat a strip of flesh into her palm. She shoved it towards Caleb’s mouth, and he reared back, confused. Yasha snorted.

“Ehm, no-- no thank you, Nott, it’s alright,” he said, trying to keep his lips closed so she couldn’t shove it in. He pushed her arm away, and after a moment Nott gave up. She popped the meat back in her mouth and began scraping at the rest of the carcass.

Yasha ate hers more slowly, holding it by the tail like a drumstick and sucking at the juices as they tried to slip down her chin. Caleb watched the two of them in mixed fascination and discomfort.

“Here,” Yasha said. Casually, she pulled the creature’s head off and put it between her back teeth. A soft crunch and she pulled the head out, offering the exposed brain to Caleb. It was small and pale in the moonlight.

Caleb choked. “...You’re not kidding, are you?” he asked.

Yasha gave a small grin, just enough to show a bit of gristle stuck between her front teeth. “It makes you smarter,” she said.

Caleb looked put upon. “I think you’ll like it, really,” Yasha continued. “It’s soft, like you.” She poked his arm, and Nott paused her gnawing for a second to eye the contact, but then went back to it.

Hesitantly, Caleb reached out. He delicately grabbed the little lump of flesh, and held his breath as he brought it to his mouth. Before he could eat it, Nott grabbed his hand and sniffed it. She nodded approvingly, and pushed his hand back towards his mouth.

Caleb chewed his gift morsel. It was soft, and strange, and not particularly terrible. He had no intention of eating it again. He must have made an impressive face, because Nott laughed a weezy little laugh at him, and shared a look with Yasha. Yasha grinned more fully.

Nott went back to her food, and Caleb tried to read Yasha’s expression in the dark.

“You are good with her,” he said, after a moment.

Yasha shrugged with one shoulder. “It’s not hard.”

“I am not so good as you, I think.”

He felt Yasha staring at him, and he was compelled to continue.

“I-- do not understand, quite. She is not scared of me. She is not scared of _you_. But she treats me differently. Not like a friend, but like a…” He trailed off, grasping for words.

“A baby bird?” Yasha offered. Caleb choked.

“Yes, quite.”

They sat in silence for a long minute. After a moment, Yasha went back to gnawing on her squirrel. Nott finished, and began cracking bones and slurping out the marrow.

“The spell… She will have an opportunity to fight it. But not for a long while. I do not think she likes being like this. I do not think she will be happy with us when she comes back to herself,” Caleb said into the dark.

Yasha thought. “The counterspell?” she asked.

“We will need a cleric, more powerful than Jester. That will be costly. And there is also her…” he gestured at his own face.

Yasha grew somber. After a long moment, she said, “We’ll-- find someone.” She did not sound convincing.


	2. Chapter 2

Nott was, of course, useless when it came to breaking camp in the morning. Her quick, erratic movements and her bared teeth were making the horses nervous, and once she scratched Frumpkin when he tried to smell her breakfast. Caleb, frowning, dismissed Frumpkin for the rest of the morning. 

When they were almost ready to set out, Fjord asked them to gather round. 

“Now,” he said, “we still have a job to finish. After the wagon trouble last week, our schedule is tighter than I would like. We have four days to get the artifact to Rexxentrum before the sale, and when we get there we still need to make contact with the auctioneer. That doesn’t leave us a lot of time to find a cleric to help Nott.” Fjord made eye contact with Caleb, gauging his reaction. Nott was a ways away, pacing the bed of the wagon. 

“You are right,” Caleb said, face grim. “And also, I worry finding a cleric will be more complicated than we might expect.”

“Oh?” Beau asked, at the same time as Jester mouthed “ _ Oh _ .”

Caleb nodded. “Goblin attacks are not infrequent in these parts. I do not think it will be easy to find a cleric who will see a feral goblin and not immediately call for the guards, let alone agree to treat her.”

“Ohhh,” Beau said, and Molly grunted in understanding.

“I hate to say it, but you’re probably right, Caleb. And regardless, getting her through the gates of Rexxentrum in this state would be… a challenge, to say the least,” Fjord said.

“And Rexxentrum is very crowded and  _ noisy _ ,” Jester said. “I don’t think she would like that very much.” Jester eyed Nott where she was scrabbling at the wood of the cart, and beside her, Fjord nodded.

“So. I know this isn’t ideal, but given our time frame, I don’t see any other options. I propose we split the party.”

Everyone reacted strongly to that suggestion. Given their past history with being separated from each other, it was understandable. “What?” Jester cried at the same time as Molly protested, “Now wait a minute--”. Beau, on the other hand, only swore a quiet, “Ahh fuck.” Yasha grunted and folded her arms.

Caleb considered it, and it took him a moment to understand the dread that opened up in his stomach. It had been months since this little group had formed. He had almost stopped worrying about being rejected or left behind.

Fjord continued. “We can split up maybe one day’s ride from the city, we don’t have to go too far. Nott and Caleb can hide out in the woods, maybe put out some feelers for a cleric who can help. We’ll be gone four or five days, a week at the most. As soon as we’re finished, we’ll meet back up with them. With the money from the job, we may be able to bribe a cleric even if they aren’t too fond of goblins.”

Caleb was barely listening. It didn’t much matter what Fjord said, he had already expressed himself loud and clear. Caleb’s mind raced, trying to figure out what it would mean for him and Nott to be on their own again. They should stay out of towns except when they needed something. Yasha might help him build up a small store of food before they parted ways, at least enough to keep Nott sated. They would need to raise money on their own to pay for the cleric.

“I’ll stay with them,” Beau said.

Fjord looked at her apologetically. “We may need your Cobalt Soul connections to locate our contact in the city.”

Jester bit her lip. “Maybe I can…”

Beau cut in. “But you’re our other main spellcaster.”

“Then I’ll go.” Molly strode towards Caleb confidently.

Caleb leveled a serious stare at him. “No,” he said. “You must stay with Yasha.”

Molly stopped, and made a small noise. He looked at Caleb, confused and a little hurt. He glanced at Yasha, who was staring intently at Caleb.

“Caleb, it’ll only be a couple day,” Jester said, curiously.

Caleb ignored her. “Do not worry about us,” he said. He locked his eyes on Nott in the cart behind them, avoiding everyone’s gaze.

* * *

Fjord was riding a horse today, and Caleb was sitting in the cart as usual. Fjord reigned in Toilet until the horse was walking alongside the cart.

“Caleb,” Fjord said gently, to pull Caleb’s attention away from his book.

Caleb had not been reading. His gaze was unfocused on the page, and instead he had been alternating between planning for the next day, when the party left them, and reeling in the fear clawing at his throat. Nott was sleeping against the far wall of the cart, in the scant shade it provided.

Caleb shook himself, and glanced in Fjord’s direction, not meeting his eyes. “Yes, Fjord?” he said, his affect somewhat flat.

“We’re not leaving you.”

Startled, Caleb looked at Fjord. His expression was serious and earnest.

“Pardon?” Caleb said.

“Beau said—she was worried you thought we were abandoning you. We’re not.”

Caleb shrugged jerkily, like a bird, and looked away. “It’s alright, Fjord. We are a liability, I understand. In this state, Nott is as likely to hurt one of us as the enemy, and even at the best of times I am not the most stable. I will have my hands full taking care of her, now, and so I will be of little use to you. You cannot be expected to carry two party members who contribute nothing to the group.”

Fjord growled, in a way that was half frustration and half pain. “Caleb,” he said. “We are not leaving you. We’ll take care of this thing for the Gentleman, then we’ll come back.”

Caleb frowned. “You do not need to lie to me, Fjord. I will not be angry. Maybe in a month or two, if Nott is recovered, if you still need us, we can rejoin you. In the meantime, you must take care of this group. Nott and I can take care of ourselves.”

“ _ Caleb _ ,” Fjord said, with more exasperation than Caleb had ever heard from him. His head jerked around to look at Fjord again. 

“You gotta-- now, this don’t mean you have to reciprocate or nothing, but you gotta know. The rest of us, we think of you as family. You and Nott both.”

Caleb stared. Fjord was as earnest as Caleb had ever seen him, but it was the annoyance in his voice that made Caleb think he might be telling the truth.

“The Mighty Nein  _ is _ a family. We can’t take Nott into the city right now, but rest assured, as soon as we’re done we’re coming right back outta there and we’re gonna find her a damn cleric.” Fjord caught Caleb’s gaze and held it, before letting Caleb go. “You’re not the only one who cares about her, y’know. Jester’s been beating herself up something fierce over this spell she doesn’t have.” 

Now it was Caleb trying to catch Fjord’s eye, but Fjord was staring at the spot between his horse’s ears.

“So listen when I tell you. We’re coming back for you.”

With that, he spurred his horse ahead of the cart.


	3. Chapter 3

They travelled all day, and all the next. Nott seemed to understand the patterns of the travel, to some extent. She waited by the carts while they packed up in the morning, and waited by the campfire while they prepared food at night. During the day, she lounged around the cart, played with Frumpkin, or, rarely, road with Jester or Yasha, though she never let Caleb out of her earshot. She also, several times, went tearing off into the woods after small animals, requiring the party to stop and wait by the side of the road, calling her name until she reappeared. 

When they passed other travelers, which happened more and more as they grew closer to the city, they had to throw a blanket over her, because they couldn’t trust her to keep her hood up or her mask on. She disliked this quite a bit, and shredded through two horse blankets in two days. Caleb was the only one who could hold her still when they tried swaddling her like a baby, and even then she bit him when he tried to tuck her large ear back inside the bundle.

At dusk of the second day, they made their preparations for splitting up. Yasha had caught several small animals off the side of the road, and she roasted them all over the fire and presented them to Caleb, clasping them by their spits like a macabre bouquet.

Molly presented most of their remaining rations to Caleb, which wasn’t much considering how long they had been traveling. For the rest of the party, he kept just enough for breakfast and lunch the next day. Jester offered Caleb most of the party funds, but he reminded her that he and Nott would be in the woods, whereas Jester and the others would be in a city where they had to pay for their food, not to mention inns and potions and clothes and any number of other things.

Beau gave Caleb two of her throwing stars, and tried to show him how to throw them. He assured her that they would be perfectly useless to him, but thanked her anyway. Fjord came to him last, their valuable map clutched in his hands.

“Now look,” he started, not giving Caleb a chance to form any protest, “we’re just west of the city. To the north there’s wilderness, your best bet for staying out of sight… but it could be dangerous. There’s also Odessloe, which might have a temple… But who knows how they’ll feel about her.” He jerked his head towards Nott, who was currently rifling through the rations Molly had left them with as Yasha watched. “We’re not gonna need the map in the city, so you’re takin’ it with you. Jester’s gonna use that spell of hers, Sending? That one, every night to check in with you. Let us know where you go and we’ll catch up with you as soon as we’re done in here.” He rolled up the map, shoved it into Caleb’s hands and met his gaze steadily.

If he was waiting for protest, waiting for a fight, he was going to be sorely disappointed. Caleb carefully secured the rolled map closed, tucking it under his arm and looking back at Fjord steadily. “Thank you. We will not go far from here.”

“Stay safe. Both of you.”

“Your group as well, Fjord.”

For a final goodbye, it wasn’t too bad. He’d almost considered these people friends… family. Being left by them didn’t hurt as much as he’d feared it would.

Caleb and Nott spent the night just off the road, sat up late with their low glowing fire as the rest of the group moved onwards. His hand stroked idly through her stringy hair as she laid with her head on his lap, his eyes on the fire, his mind too aware of how alone they were out here. Alone again. Alone and broken.

Talking with Nott had always made him feel better before. It was where they’d started, sat back to back in some podunk jail cell for petty crimes, for existing… and talking. They’d fallen into each other’s cadence in such a natural way, such a way that he hadn’t had in so long. Caleb sat back on his hands, looked up at the stars through the trees and tried it now.

“It is impossible not to miss them, though… The comfort of having someone else look out for you. The conversations are even tolerable. And the…” Nott stirred in his lap, looked up at him with owlish yellow eyes. “The safety of being in a group. It felt good, when we had it, to protect the others. To know they were protecting us.” His spells, small as they could be, had turned the tide in more than one battle. A Haste that allowed Beauregard crucial extra hits. An Enlarge that increased Yasha’s power. The effects on enemies, the Slow and the Sleep… and his own attacks, his own abilities to do harm in the name of their group, to bring foes to their grave for the sake of the Mighty Nein.

Nott’s green hand touched his cheek, her claws catching on the scruff of his beard. She tilted his head, mouth curved down in a frown before she leaned up, bumped the top of her head into his chin gently. Like Frumpkin, when his familiar wanted affection. Caleb resumed stroking Nott’s hair, felt her weight drop firmly into his lap again.

She couldn’t talk anymore. The easy cadence they had fallen into in the past was broken. He let his words fade into the still night, let them swim around in his head rather than disrupt her sleep by being spoken aloud.

 

* * *

Nott watched as he packed up camp, gnawing absently on one of the squirrels Yasha had left them with, her eyes on him. The day had dawned gray and gloomy, promising incoming rain. Caleb wasn’t eager for that, wasn’t eager to see how Nott felt about rain when she didn’t have all her faculties about her. He finished folding the tent, stuffed it into his backpack and pulled the bag onto his shoulders. One last look around their campsite before--

A hand tugged his coat sleeve, yellow eyes on his face as Caleb turned to Nott. “Yes, Nott?”

Her bared teeth crunched down and she reached into her mouth, pulled the cracked skull of the squirrel out and offered it to him, just as Yasha had. 

“Ah, no thank you--” Her face fell, some understanding of his refusal even in this state, and he felt the familiar wash of guilt. “I mean… um…” There was only one way to rescue this situation. Two years ago, he would have been grateful for the food, Caleb reminded himself, taking the cracked skull from her and tossing back the morsel inside. He chewed and swallowed quickly, forced a smile that hopefully only felt sick as Nott nodded her approval.

The road was not an option for travel, it only led west into the city. Caleb squared his shoulders, mentally consulted the map (really, Fjord should have kept it, he had a good enough mental picture of… most of it) and began walking. After a few moments, the sound of Nott’s hurried footsteps joined him, fell into pace beside him.

She didn’t like Frumpkin like this, could not be relied on to guide him if he went blind with his familiar’s vision. And as much as Caleb wanted the cat draped over his shoulders for his own comfort, practicality had to be considered above all else. They were alone now. Methods needed to be adjusted.

Stealth was not an option and neither was speed, so Caleb didn’t attempt. He walked with Nott at his side, roughly northward, deeper and deeper into the wilderness. The woods around Rexxentrum were dense, nature fighting back against the city at every turn, forcing expansions to move south and east. Once they were north of the city, two or three days journey, he would turn to the west, begin making his way to Odessloe. It would be the easiest place for the others to regroup with the two of them, if they intended to return.

And if not… a city would mean work for coin, or markets to steal from. He and Nott would survive.

Claws dug into Caleb’s arm and he froze, looked down at his little friend as she stared into the distance. He turned in that direction, saw nothing but more trees. He started to move again, heard the small, panicked noise in the back of her throat as she tightened her grip on him and went still. After a moment, Nott’s hold loosened, her breathing coming rapid and shallow. She looked up at him, searched his face before nodding, moving forward again.

After a beat, Caleb followed.

It was important not to underestimate her. He’d learned that lesson long ago, knew how much more Nott was capable of than it appeared. And yet here he was, assuming that he would be the only one capable of looking out for them, the only one capable of preventing run-ins with danger. She was less intelligent, perhaps, but not completely incapable of surviving. Or of keeping him safe. Their trek through the woods was slow, occasionally brought to a full stop. Close to noon the skies opened up, dripping rain down onto them through the thick trees. It took time, longer than he expected it to, until Nott noticed, her head tilting up, looking to the sky. A drip of rainwater fell on her and she hissed, darted closer to him and sheltered herself under his coat.

Distant thunder rumbled and lightning flashed, Nott’s arms wrapping around his legs as she shook, preventing him from walking forward. Caleb carefully turned in her hold, knelt down and placed his hand on her shoulder. “I will put the tent up and you can sit inside it while we have lunch,  _ ja _ ? Then you will not be rained on.”

A blank stare from Nott turned to fear as thunder crashed again. She pressed her face into his chest, held him tightly as he tried to shield her from the rain. This was going to be difficult…

It took twice as long as it should have, left them both soaked to the bone by the time it was finally completed, but Caleb managed to get the tent up. Nott darted inside it, pulled him along with her and latched herself firmly under his arm, her face hidden in his chest as the storm outside became truly ferocious. There was no way to make a fire in these conditions, they’d have to settle for blankets and cold food. Working as quickly as he could, Caleb tugged away their damp clothes, wrapped first Nott and then himself in a blanket and dug out two servings of rations for their lunch.

The blanket seemed to help her, rather than aggravate her as the ones on the road had. Nott let herself be wrapped tightly, tucking her arms into the small space of the rough blanket and holding herself. Every rumble of thunder made her jump, her body scooting closer to his in the tent until she was once more nearly under his arm.

“Are you hungry?” he asked, passing her one of the ratios as he spoke. Green hands wrapped around it, pulling it into the security of the blanket. “We’ll rest here until the storm passes.” He should go outside, set the silver thread and offer them some form of protection. Another, louder rumble of thunder drew a terrified squeak from the girl beside him and Caleb cast the idea away. Secondary plan, then. He had the components for it and the time, he would summon Frumpkin as a creature that didn’t mind sitting out in the rain, allow his familiar to keep watch for him.

Caleb spoke as he worked, his voice low and steady, explaining each step of the process to Nott. Whether or not she cared he couldn’t say, but her yellow eyes seemed to glow out from the blanket she wore, watching him intently. Soon enough Frumpkin was before them as a duck, giving a plaintive  _ quack _ as he looked about the tent.

“I know, my friend, but you do not want to be outside in this rain as your usual self.” Caleb opened the flap of the tent, nodding Frumpkin outside to the storm. “Ten feet away, somewhere you can see the tent if anything approaches,  _ ja _ ?” With his familiar on the way, Caleb turned to Nott, his hand resting lightly on the top of her head. “I don’t know if you understand me, but I am going to… to go away, a little bit. I will not see you or hear you from in here, but Frumpkin, outside? He is watching. If you need me, you tap-tap-tap on my shoulder, like this,” he demonstrated, patting her head gently three times, “and I will come back. Or you go outside and wave to Frumpkin, and I will come back.”

Nott’s eyes were unblinking and owlish for a long minute and Caleb resigned himself to the fact that no, she did not understand. Then, slowly, she stood, snaked a hand out from the blanket and tapped him three times on the head before sitting down again with a jagged grin.

“Yes, just like that. Thank you.” He’d underestimated her again. His problem.

Through Frumpkin’s eyes, Caleb watched the tent and the woods around it. The downpour slowly eased to a drizzle, then to merely dripping from the trees. There were still hours of sunlight left, the storm had taken up most of the afternoon but as evening came upon them the sun finally shone through the trees. He snapped back to the reality of his own body with a small gasp, looked down to see Nott dropped into deep sleep in his lap once again, the blanket haphazardly dropped from around her shoulders. His legs were numb and tingly from sitting in the same position so long, a crick in his neck indicating that his head had lolled uncomfortably to one side at some point during the storm. But they were safe, they were together, and they would continue to survive this.

Gently, moving carefully, Caleb nudged Nott awake. He eased his way out of the tent, stood unsteadily and stretched his body out, taking in deep breaths of the damp woods around them. “We should continue on, camp once the sun goes down.”

Nott crawled from the tent, unabashed of her near nudity as she looked around the dripping forest. She cocked her head to one side, let out a low, animal growl and took off into the trees.

He let her go, experience telling him that she would come back, possibly with the corpse of some small animal. In the meantime Caleb quickly disassembled their hastily-built campsite, rolling the damp tent and strapping it to the outside of his backpack. With any luck there would be no more rain overnight and the tent would be able to dry while they slept. “Nott!” He shouted into the woods, waiting and listening for any sort of return. “We’re leaving!” Another minute of forest quiet before she crashed back to him through the branches, empty-handed and looking only a little disappointed. Caleb helped her into her clothing, glancing at the sinking sun to orient himself before continuing along their rough northward path.

At sundown his mind was flooded abruptly by Jester’s voice, excited and almost too fast-paced to understand. Caleb stopped walking, saw Nott stop beside him and look at him curiously.

“ _ Hi Caleb, hi Nott! We’re in the city and it’s so cool! Everyone misses you both and please tell us where you are, you can reply-- _ ”

“--to this message,” he finished for her, smiling to himself and focusing, following the pull of magic from Jester’s message. “ _ Nott and I miss you as well. We are less than one day’s walk north of where we parted ways. I think we will try for Odessloe. _ ” Hopefully all of that reached her. If not, he supposed he’d have a question or two to answer the next night. 

Of course they would not be abandoned immediately. The people they had been traveling with saw them as too useful for that. But four days would become a week, two weeks, a month. Perhaps Nott would recover on her own, perhaps she would not. It did not matter, in the long term… They would be abandoned to other prospects. Left alone in the woods, where their problems could not hurt the others.

Caleb accepted it.

He and Nott continued traveling and he waited for the night when Jester’s magical message would not come.


	4. Chapter 4

Four days brought them north and then west, near the town of Odessloe. The others were leaving Rexxentrum, had agreed to meet them outside the city the next morning and work together to find a cleric willing to assist a goblin. Their job for the Gentleman had gone smoothly, their haste to reunite not allowing them to linger in the city. 

Caleb sat up by the fire with Nott once more napping in his lap, his eyes through the gaze of his familiar. Frumpkin was currently an owl, perched in a tree watching out for the others on the road--just in case. As had been proven in their journey, Nott understood how to get his attention if she needed it. The doubts that the others would rejoin them still lingered in Caleb’s mind, but he spoke low and soothing to the woman with him, about how soon they would reunite with their friends, about how happy Jester and Yasha would be to see her again.

Alarm bells in his head snapped his attention back to his current position, eyes blinking to adjust to the firelight. Something had crossed the silver thread. Caleb gently shifted Nott from his lap, stood up and sent up his dancing lights, spread them out over the area. The fire gave away their position, the extra light would not hurt.

Two moving shadows, three, four… Smaller things, coming to them from multiple sides.  _ Thunk _ a crossbow bolt stuck into a tree near him and Caleb flinched away instinctively, pulled himself into a defensive position. He would have to move quickly, to strike out and scare them away before they could form a coherent attack. It was just himself fighting here, which meant--

Strategy. Caleb’s hands burned with arcane power, the fire racing through his veins. He looked around him quickly, marked each of the four approaching marauders. Goblins, looking for an easy meal. Another crossbow bolt fired at him, sank into his shoulder almost unfelt.

The campfire jumped to his palms, ignited his hands and shot outward, four scorching rays of fire slamming into each of the targets he’d marked. One reduced to ash with a scream, two others igniting and burning brightly for a moment before their panicked movements quelled the flames. The fourth dodged away from the attack, the tree behind it taking the burst of arcane fire instead.

Stillness held in the woods, Caleb’s breathing heavy, his eyes darting to each of the three remaining Goblins. If they had reinforcements, greater numbers or something more powerful with them, he would scoop up Nott and flee, take to the road and abandon their supplies. If they were alone… “If you do not wish to die a burning death, you will leave us!” He shouted into the forest, seeing one of the two that he had set ablaze drop its weapon and begin to limp away.

Mutterings around him, hissing conversations in a language he did not know. The one that limped away crossed the silver thread again and Caleb turned to the uninjured one, holding his hands out before him with his thumbs together. It hadn’t moved away, seemed intent on continuing the assault, its crossbow leveled at his chest. Arcane fire leaped to his fingertips once again as the thing let out a shriek and fired on him, the bolt sinking in to his stomach.

The pain didn’t slow his movements, didn’t dampen the fire that raced down his spread fingers and blasted out from his hands. There was no dodging this, the cone of flame too wide, the Goblin that had shot him twice incinerated in an instant. Not even time to scream.

He felt the silver thread trip again, turned almost frantic, his breathing uneven. None around them. The fourth had decided to take life and flee. Caleb dropped to his knees, the arcane power he controlled fading quickly away now that the adrenaline of battle was over. Nott was still on the ground, looking at him with wide golden eyes. “It is okay, Nott. They are gone.” He reached for her and she flinched back, her eyes darting to his hand before her head whipped to where the first pile of ashes was.

“Nott…”

She backed away from him, scooting across the forest on her behind, scrambling to her feet when her back hit a tree. Still looking at him over her shoulder, she fled, disappeared into the woods. “Nott!”

The dull ache of the bolts in him needed to be attended to. He needed Nott to come back to him. Not for the first time since they’d parted ways, he wished for the others to be here, for--

“You couldn’t even save one for us, Caleb?” Molly’s voice, so familiar, so teasingly close. He was losing it out here in the woods. “Come on, up. Where’s Nott? Is she going to bite me if I try to pull these out of you?” Molly’s voice and Molly’s hands on him, gently tugging him to his feet.

“Mollymauk?”

“In the flesh, Mr. Caleb. Where’s our little green friend?”

He pointed, numb and mute, to where Nott had run. Where he had scared her away to. “I have made a mistake, Mollymauk. One I do not know how to fix.” he said, voice grave.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the group had soon gathered around. Beau and Yasha immediately went off in the direction Caleb had pointed to, set on finding Nott as quick as they could, while the remainder stayed by his side. The pain that Jester was healing had already slipped from his mind. Their discussion of, what he assumed was them making a plan to find their lost friend, had all but faded into white noise. And through the haze of his whirring mind, the only thought that kept pushing its way to the forefront was the most painfully truthful. 

His friend, the only one that was willing to stay with him no matter what, was gone – and for the same reason, too. 

The feeling of blood and grime on his hands made him shift uncomfortably, because even if it was his own, he couldn’t stop staring at the pile of ashes just a few feet away and remembering the look in Nott’s eyes. Perhaps she had finally seen it. In her unattuned state, she was finally able to see him for what he was.

A killer. A murderer.

Still staring at the remains of his last victim, he clenched his fists, trying to ignore the waves of hatred that were bubbling up in the back of his throat and drowning his mind. However, they tide remained. The loathing towards the one who hurt Nott, the frustration towards people who didn’t understand her, and the hatred towards himself – all threatened to break him. It was only a matter of time.

“He good, Jester?” Fjord spoke up from somewhere above him, standing towards his side.

_ Don’t help me,  _ Caleb thought irrationally, angrily. He knew that no one in the Mighty Nein would ever leave him alone to hurt – at least, he knew now. Still, Jester placed another hand on his shoulder and Caleb could feel the warmth radiating from her healing magic. 

_ Don’t heal me. I don’t deserve it. _

“I think he should be good to go! I sent a message to Beau and she said that she and Yasha are still looking.”

The familiar heated touch of Molly’s hand rested on his other shoulder. “Nott couldn’t have gone far. I’m just worried about the other goblins in the area. She can’t defend herself the way she is now. Up, now, Mr. Caleb. There’s time for that–.”

“No,” Caleb ground out. He couldn’t bring himself to meet their gazes’. There was a moment of silence and he could just imagine them all exchanging glances, looking concerned.

There was no more time.

“Everything alright?” Fjord asked him warily.

He nearly laughed at that, but instead he shakily pushed himself to his feet, using the tree behind him to level himself. There was a burning prickling at the corners of his eyes and tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. When he glanced to the remaining three, he found that they had expressions of worry, worry,  _ worry. _

“I can’t go after her. Not like this,” Caleb told them.

“Like what, exactly?” Jester asked softly, and he hated,  _ hated  _ it.

He muttered, “Like a killer. I can’t see her again, n-not after I…” His eyes drifted back over to the ashes scattered around the small clearing. The soot sat in the center of black scorch marks that had stained and singed the grass.  _ Just another thing I’ve killed. _

Fjord and Jester gave each other a brief look, but it was Molly who finally spoke, “You’re right. You’re a killer. But we’ve all killed here, so I guess that just means we’re a big happy murder family.”

“Molly,” Fjord warned.

“You don’t understand. You don’t know what I-I… You’re not the same.  _ We’re  _ not the same. You don’t know…” Caleb trailed off. 

_ You don’t know how she looked at me. _

“Sure, I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things, but that doesn’t bother me,” Molly went on, stepping closer to him. Caleb instinctually staggered backwards. “Fjord vomits saltwater, Yasha has her own story, Beau has daddy issues, Jester’s running from the law, and you killed someone with fire. That’s about all of my knowledge of this family and I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

Caleb was locked in place. He struggled to tear his eyes away from the red ones that were currently focused on him. “I-I can’t…”

Molly shook his head, “We all have our stories, Caleb. Are you telling me that’s going to stop you from saving Nott?”

Fjord nodded in agreement. “Molly’s right, ya know. Even now, you’re still probably the only one that can help her. Doesn’t matter what you’ve done. You’re here with us now trying to do good and that enough in my book. She needs us, and I don’t think you’re the type to sit around and do nothing when Nott’s involved.”

Caleb took in a few deep breaths. They were right. He knew they were right. And if these people – people who killed monsters and saved families – if they could accept him, then maybe he could to.

Nott did.

With one last shaky breath, he said, “ _ Ja, _ okay. We will find her.” 

A promise.

Jester grinned at him and rushed forward, taking one of his hands and dragging him along. “Another case. Keep up, Caleb!” 

She pulled him further into the forest, calling for Nott. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started College again, and my week is full with classes. I hope that I can post the later chapters on mondays like I have been, but if I get behind know that it's due to homework and other college things. 
> 
> Happy monday, hope you liked the cliffhanger!

**Author's Note:**

> Second chapter put up next monday!


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